Happy New Years, Shal

It’s been about a month and a half since we permanently cut contact, and it still doesn’t feel real. Each day, I visit this site and remind myself of how things were—how warm I felt. Maybe it isn’t helping me move on, but I don’t know how else to look back at the past when all our writings are gone. I kept a few of your poems and read them occasionally, trying to see myself through your eyes, to understand the pain I caused you. I feel it in my stomach every time. Maybe it’s the contrast between “it’ll always be you” and “Devouring wormhole of thoughts.” Perhaps love is pain. Why does it take a one-sided interest to make restraint necessary?

I wish it had never been necessary for us. I wish everything had been straightforward. I’m upset, melancholy, and sometimes even a bit angry that things didn’t work out. I correct myself whenever I feel anger toward you because I know it was the circumstance. But I was so caught up in the idea of infinity with you, so hopeful about my dreams with you by my side.

Up to now, I’d say I’m still focused on my original goal—striving for success—but somewhere along the way, I lost my empathy. Somewhere along the way, I started missing having you there to keep me grounded. I can’t help but think I should’ve manned up. I feel so immature and weak for letting you go.

I let myself believe you needed your freedom, so I took away my security and comfort from you. I was a fool. I wish I could go back in time and give you what you originally wanted. Perhaps by last year, it was already too late. It felt like you didn’t want me around, fueled by your desire to avoid catching feelings. I still remember the cold air drifting through my window and the pillow soaked with tears when I ended things. If I could go back to that day, I wish I’d understood you better. I wish I could make things the way they were. I’ve missed you so much.

Today, I got a notification that this website is about to expire in two weeks. I considered letting it end, but I don’t have the heart. I will keep it alive forever as a reminder that I am capable of loving someone this much. Happy New Year, Shalimar. I miss you so much. I hope you’re doing well. If you ever stumble upon this, please know you’re on my mind every day, and I still mean every little things I said.